Ever since childhood, I liked surrendering power or being given power. I simply felt a pleasure that I could not describe when I played with girls, and that play, apparently, had nothing sexual in it. The moment when a slightly older girl would pin me to the ground, climb on top of me, and I could not escape, did not give me a feeling of panic or discomfort; on the contrary, I liked those moments and experienced them differently from interactions with boys. It was something different that I liked, and I did not understand what it was.
As the years went by, information also appeared. The internet was already beginning to develop. I knew about sadomasochism, I had heard the term, and in my mind it was simple: beating... but I was far from the truth.
I started looking for more information on the internet; I saw that I was not the only one who liked these interactions. I joined forums, and at that time I joined Yahoo groups, where I met experienced and patient people who answered all my questions.
That is how I discovered what BDSM truly means: that it is not about beating, but is much more complex. Being an extroverted person and unconcerned with what others thought of me, I opened up. Everyone around me (except my family) knew that I was attracted to BDSM. Of course, people would make jokes about me, but I did not care much, and we would joke with one another... we laughed at them. This also brought me certain advantages... people who were attracted to BDSM (fetish/kink) but were afraid to open up would come to me, and we would openly discuss intimate things. Of course, everything we discussed remained, and has remained to this day, between us, and that is precisely why I came to know certain things about those around me. Over time, I realized that very few people prefer only plain sex; very many also prefer something extra... “but being tied to the bed sounds good,” “but a slap on the ass would work,” “I made fun of you because you like sexy feet, but you should know that I like them too,” etc.
I had many pleasant experiences, but I wanted more; I wanted to be part of a group of people passionate about BDSM, so I did not give up and continued looking for a community in Romania until 2015, when I finally found a BDSM-dedicated site with chat, BDSMro.ro, a site that unfortunately no longer exists. Shortly afterward, I also learned about Fetlife; I think it is the largest social networking platform for kinksters in the world. That is how I came into contact with the community in Romania. I attended several private parties, camps, workshops, saw how experienced people interact, and met wonderful people who welcomed me warmly... at last, I felt at home.
Eventually, she appeared too. In the middle of 2022, I met the most beautiful and sweetest little girl in the world, with whom I had the most beautiful experiences. From that moment on, alongside the things I was discovering about others, I began to discover things about myself. What do I like? When do I like it? With whom? Where? How much? Etc.
I discovered that I feel the need for balance in life; when everything is too good, you need a little adrenaline. When you have responsibilities all day and have to be in control, it is relaxing when you surrender control.”
“Through BDSM, I rewrite sad stories and give them another ending – a beautiful ending this time.
I stage moments in which those I would have wanted close to me hurt me. Except now, in the end, the “aggressor” takes me in their arms and cares for me.
And other times, the one who frightens me, instead of hurting me through domination, actually takes control of my sensations in order to bring me pleasure.
It is a game about trust, affection, and exploring the most hidden vulnerable parts.”
At the time when I heard about BDSM, it was the breath of air I needed. It literally changed my life, and prolonged it. It was at a time when I was thinking about suicide. I do not really know how to put it into beautiful and pompous words. It was a breath of air and it has remained a way for me to recharge my batteries every time. It has been part of my life ever since. The adrenaline from every encounter visibly improved my health. Without adrenaline, I would be dead. I like the state I enter during every play, I like the people, I like socializing. Before, I would not leave the house, but afterward, I did everything possible to go out, even if only for an hour or two! I like the pain I feel in every little part of my body after a play.
For 22 years, I have lived my intimate and romantic relationships in the BDSM style. I was lucky to discover this lifestyle, or rather to discover myself and feel happy and fulfilled in every way. I could not have a relationship without BDSM; I have tried, but I cannot, it feels as though I lack air to breathe. It is not me.
There are infinite ways to feel and live BDSM, as many as there are people who practice it, and each of us believes that ours is the right one or the best one, but that is not so; there is no book in which you can read the rules. The essential thing is to be guided by common sense. My BDSM is different from yours, my rules are different from yours, my concepts are different from yours, my way of growing and evolving within the practices is different from yours, but neither do I have the right to tell you how to live it, nor do you have the right to judge how I live it. I will not judge you. I have seen and lived enough to waste my time judging others. Above all else, there is me and my way of feeling fulfilled.
Some BDSM concepts are based on three (SSC – BD/DS/SM), and I have my own to add: Honesty, Safety, Respect, and Honor.
We will have more or less affinity with people depending on how we feel and live, but that does not make us enemies of those who live differently, nor does it give anyone the right to demean others or feel superior because they believe themselves to be learned, an expert, a super teacher – because no one truly is. And this applies both to me and to others.
For me, it is not a game or a play; it is my way of being, my way of living. Without BDSM, I am not myself.