Are you curious about what happens in a BDSM dungeon or at a private party? Discover the tips below that will make your first experience unforgettable:

People are talking more and more about BDSM, exploring more of its components by trying new and fun things more often than in the past. Visiting a dungeon or a public play space can be part of sexual exploration. So, as someone who has always been submissive and has experienced many things, today I will show you everything you need to know to have your first experience in a BDSM “dungeon” or at a private party and enjoy these events.

What is a BDSM dungeon?

Dungeons (sometimes referred to as play spaces) are places where consenting adults gather to enjoy kink/fetish play. Some are public, while others are located in private homes and clubs throughout the country. These spaces contain equipment for BDSM play. They also provide space for socializing, food, and often education or presentations. They are usually run by people who are established members of the local kink/BDSM community.

Everything you need to know about public vs. private sex parties and dungeons: Public play spaces are open to the general public. They often require a membership fee, compliance with a code of conduct, and may have “party fees” for attending a particular night or event.

Public dungeons maintain websites listing their location, dates and hours of operation, entry requirements, and codes of conduct.

01 If you are visiting a public dungeon for the first time, you should review its rules and codes of conduct online before going.

Because dungeons do not operate like fast-food franchises, what you get when you visit and what is required to enter and participate varies from place to place.

Private play spaces are dungeons maintained in homes or other locations where a private individual allows vetted members to come and participate in parties and events. Most of these spaces can be found on Fetlife.com.

These spaces generally have “Group” pages on Fetlife. A Fetlife member can join the Group page for a local play space and learn about membership requirements, participation rules, and contact information for the person running the play space. Depending on the person organizing the space, it may be small, such as a dungeon set up in a two-car garage in the suburbs, or much more extensive, such as a 5,000-square-foot space in a local warehouse district.

The equipment can range from minimal to elaborate. Because these spaces are private and not official businesses, people can limit attendance and permitted activities to suit their preferences.

How to access a “dungeon” or play space. Before attending a party or event at a play space, you may want to contact the Dungeon monitor (the person responsible for enforcing the rules in a dungeon) or the owner.

In the case of a public space, this is generally required. Private spaces often require more personal vetting.

It is common for the owner of a private dungeon to request verification of new members. This may be a formal meeting, such as speaking with the owner at a munch gathering (a coffee meetup for kinky people), providing references from other known people in the kink community who will vouch for you, or an online application.

02 If you contact an owner or dungeon monitor, be respectful.

Treat your correspondence like a business email.

The goal is to be direct, polite, and to the point. Use the appropriate titles and pronouns for the dungeon owner/operator (if listed). Dungeon owners have a great deal of responsibility when it comes to running these spaces because BDSM falls into a legal gray area. Some localities allow public dungeons and have legal and licensing codes for operating this type of business. Other localities allow these organizations to operate as social clubs or educational organizations and will look the other way on things such as allowing people to be whipped in public as long as no one complains. Homeowners take on the legal risk of someone being injured on their property and could be held legally liable for things such as accidents. Meeting you is intended to ensure that you will not endanger their space and is a reasonable request.

What should you wear and bring? What do you wear in a “dungeon”? It depends. Many require you to be in street clothes until you enter the premises. Depending on where they are located, some allow you to arrive wearing leather, latex, or other fetish attire, as long as it meets public decency standards.

03 Once you enter the space, the rules may change. Communicate with the owner or check the website for details.

Special nights: some play spaces will host themed nights or other special nights (Halloween, Female veneration party, spanking party, etc.) These nights may have specific dress requirements. Again, speak with the owner or check the website to see whether there are special entry requirements.

04 You should bring the necessary implements for your scene, if you are planning one.

For example, if you are planning a rope scene, you will need your own ropes, safety equipment, and any clothing you intend to wear. If you are going to do an impact scene, you will need to bring whips, paddles, or other impact toys. Most people use trolleys or travel bags to carry their clothing and equipment. You do not need any special bag or case to transport what you need to the dungeon. Finally, all spaces will have access to water and some food.

05 However, if you know you will drink a lot of water or need a quick energy boost at the end of a scene, bringing something to eat or drink is appropriate.

What should you do when you arrive? Depending on the space's protocol, the first time you attend an event, you may be asked to do certain things such as read the space's rules and sign waivers. Sometimes, spaces have formal orientation classes that people must attend before engaging in play or before attending events. Whatever it is, make sure you follow the rules set by the organizer. You may also be asked to pay fees.

06 Bring cash!

While more and more spaces accept card payments, most prefer cash payments. Give yourself time to get oriented in the space. It is normal to have a play area with equipment, a socializing area (often with food and drinks), and a space for aftercare (recovery after play).

07 It is good to know where the changing rooms are, where the bathrooms are, and how the space is divided before engaging in play.

A note on behavior. A public “dungeon” or private play space is not an invitation to a free-for-all orgy.

Many people engage in play with one or more partners without intending to play with others. Unlike swinger clubs and hotel orgy spaces, dungeons are not spaces where everyone in them is looking to connect with people they did not come with. People in kink and those who engage in power exchange often have established protocols between partners. In a “dungeon,” the way submissive people are approached differs from the way tops or dominant people are approached. Submissive people may direct you to their dominant/top first and ask you to get their permission before engaging them in conversation.

08 If you approach someone you are trying to connect with and they ask you to speak with their Dom/Top/Master, you should follow their request.

Ignoring a request to approach a submissive through their top is a quick way to get yourself thrown out of a “dungeon.”

Respect people's play! If people are engaging in a BDSM scene, whether it is a rope scene, an impact scene, or another type of play, it is not your invitation to join.

09 Do not touch other people without asking their permission.

Do not start getting involved in a scene without being invited by the participants. Do not touch other equipment. Do not ask questions during the scene or speak loudly near where people are playing. You are welcome to watch a scene, but you should refrain from conversations or questions until after people have finished.

It is perfectly okay to watch a scene from a distance and admire someone. Watching is part of the fun of attending a “dungeon.” However, unless it is a munch or an educational workshop, you should give people space to engage in a BDSM scene without having to listen to your comments or questions.

Does alcohol play a role in these scenes? Most public and private play spaces limit or prohibit drug and alcohol use. While some spaces have bars or allow drinking, it is important to check with the dungeon monitor or owner before drinking at the venue. Because alcohol can affect the ability to consent, the general rule is to prohibit play when participants are intoxicated.

10 Unless your space specifically states that alcohol use is permitted on the premises, refrain from consuming it.

Do not arrive intoxicated. Most, if not all, space owners will ask you to leave if you are intoxicated.

Can I go if I am alone? Yes! Definitely visit a “dungeon” on your own if you wish. Many dungeons offer “workshop parties.” These are events where various experts will set up and demonstrate different kink techniques. They are designed for people to come and try new things. Single people are encouraged to attend.

11 How to enjoy playtime in a dungeon…

The best description I have ever heard of a dungeon is: “It's like a gym, but you want to use the equipment.”

The equipment in a dungeon is similar to gym equipment, in that it is used by many people and should always be wiped down before and after a scene. Dungeons will provide basic cleaning supplies (wipes, towels, etc.). Before and after using the equipment, it is a good idea to wipe it down, just as you would gym equipment.

If you may introduce a lot of bodily fluids or things like wax, it is a good idea to bring towels or a tarp to protect the equipment.

If you engage in play involving fire, wax, glitter, urine, or blood, make sure you speak with the monitor/owner before starting. Sometimes, venues will prohibit the above substances for health, safety, or cleanliness reasons. Sometimes, the venue simply wants to make sure it has the proper safety equipment nearby.

12 A note about photos…

Do not take out your phone or take photos in a “dungeon”!

People on site may not want their image captured and posted somewhere. People are often nude, dressed in various fetish costumes, or engaging in activities and do not want to be recorded by strangers.

Many dungeons prohibit phones and cameras. Even if they do not require you to keep your phone hidden, it is a good idea to put it away for the evening. If you and your partner(s) are engaging in an activity and want to take a photo, ask the dungeon monitor first. There are times when it is appropriate to take photos.

However, as with everything else in a “dungeon,” consent is key. Ask before taking photos!

13 Make sure you can “perform”...

Dungeons are a great way to expand your sexual horizons.

They are fun social spaces and offer opportunities to connect with other people with unusual preferences. Use consent and respect as your guides, and you will have a great time!

However… it is very common for a man to show up at a “dungeon” or a private party for the first time… and not manage to get as “hard” as he would like at that moment. This is TOTALLY normal… it usually happens because of the excitement and nervousness of the first time… and, while I admit it is understandable… it is also a major turn-off.

Original article: Rebecca Blanton, gothamclub.com — see the original article